Dear Abby: Treatment of elderly mother raises couple's hackles
DEAR ABBY: I have been happily married for 30 years. Unfortunately, my wife’s family (two older sisters and her mother, who is 97) have rejected not only me, but now my wife. While our relationship with my mother-in-law is cordial, our relationship with her sisters is poor.
Recently, her sisters put their mother into an elder care facility without informing us, much less inviting us to tour the facility. By the time we found out, the paperwork had already been signed. The facility is two hours away from where she had been living (closer to the oldest sister), meaning my MIL will be forced to give up her social life and her doctors of 30-plus years. (She lived in a big city, so finding a facility near her apartment would have been easy.)
Starting anew is hard at any age. My mother-in-law says she’s depressed about this. It is unclear whether she was competent to make this decision, but litigation seems futile and out of our budget. Ranting at my wife’s sisters would be a waste of time, but sitting here in silent anger is untenable as well. I guess we are looking for validation that it is reasonable to be angry, even if we don’t act on that anger, unless you have better advice for this situation.
UPSET
IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR UPSET: I will assume that your sister-in-law has power of attorney for your mother-in-law, who has reached the point that she needs an increasing amount of care. By age 97, it stands to reason that most of her friends have passed on. It makes sense that she would be moved into assisted living close enough that your sisters-in-law could see her often.
While it would have been nice had your wife been kept in the loop about the move, her relationship with her sisters isn’t cordial. You both are entitled to your feelings about what has happened, but please don’t let it rule your lives.
DEAR ABBY: Recently, our good friends of 35 years, “Cherise” and “Robert,” announced the upcoming wedding of their daughter. Our children grew up together. Invitations have not been sent out, but they have let us know the date and location of the destination wedding. My husband and I will go, but my children won’t be able to make it because of their jobs, kids, etc.
Cherise called me today, very upset, to tell me how hurt she is. Abby, our children went their separate ways 20 years ago. They never see each other! My son had planned a destination wedding five years ago (which didn’t happen because of COVID), and Cherise’s entire family declined, which I completely understood. I’m confused about why her reaction was so strong. I’m not telling my children about this because they will feel bad. Should I let this go?
THROWN IN OREGON
DEAR THROWN: Yes, let it go. Your children are adults and have their own priorities. You can’t control them, nor should you try. I’m sorry Cherise is upset, but your children are not responsible for it. The “kids” are not as close as she assumed they were, and she is going to have to learn to accept that.
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