Jim Bradshaw: How is Santa possible? We do the math

You have never seen a busier place than Santa’s workshop on Christmas Eve.
This year, like every other for centuries, his sleigh must take off precisely at First Star Twinkle, North Pole Time.
Somehow. his little helpers pull that off, year after year.
But it’s busy, busy, busy before they can watch him sail off into the sky, and then all collapse into a giggling heap.
It’s important that Santa gets away on time.
He’s got a lot of stops to make.
Astronomers and others who study that sort of thing say that he must visit 91.8 million homes within the 31 hours of Christmas Eve darkness provided by the Earth’s rotation.
That means his reindeer must fly for 72.5 million miles at a speed of 650 miles per second.
Besides punctuality, that requires a good bit of Christmas magic.
That also explains why he is seldom seen.
He can only visit each home for the wink of an eye, so you have to look quick to see him.
(Santa uses a sophisticated system of triangulation to get the right toys to each boy and girl. It uses the Star of Bethlehem, each chlld’s house, and his North Pole Beacon.)
It also takes a great deal of Christmas magic to fit everything into his tiny sleigh. Those scientists have also figured that on takeoff this year, Santa’s sleigh will be carrying 321,307 tons of presents, plus the not inconsiderable weight of Santa himself (and maybe a mischievous elf sneaking a ride).
Heading into the big day, Beedlebaum, the chief toymaker elf, reported that work on all but a handful of toys is finished and that the last ones will be rushed to the wrapping shop well in time for takeoff. He said most of the toys were already loaded on the sleigh and that worker elves were busy making sure the name tags were fixed on them securely.
“That’s one of the little things that is really important to remember,” he said. “You know, the sleigh rushes along to get everywhere on time. We have to be sure the tags are on tight, so they don’t blow off in the wind.”
Postmaster elf Gigigold said there has been a rush of new letters to the North Pole during the last week, but the toyshop has been able to keep up with them.
“We have a new computer that helps us check really, really quickly on who’s been naughty and who’s been nice, so we can rush the list to the toymakers,” she said. “And, of course, after you’ve done this for a couple of centuries you learn to cope with the final rush.”
Wizewhisker, the stablemaster elf, said all of the reindeer are in fine form for the journey. He said Prancer has a slight cold, but “that won’t slow him down one bit.”
“All of the reindeer get more and more excited as Christmas draws near,” he said. “Dasher and Dancer especially. They’re the youngest, after Rudolph, and Christmas magic really has an effect on them.”
Mrs. Claus has been busy at the ovens in the kitchen of their snug little cottage, pulling hot cookies from this one and that, splashing icing on this pan, frosting on that platter, her cheeks glowing red as the row of apples sitting in the window, waiting to be stuffed into stockings.
She said some of them will be used for a big apple pie that Santa will take with him.
“I always check to be sure his goose-down comforter is on the sleigh,” she said. “It keeps him warm during the trip. And I like to pack a little pie or something for him to snack on while he’s traveling.
“I really shouldn’t bake for him like that, I guess. He gets cookies and snacks from so many of the children, and comes home so stuffed that he hardly touches our Christmas turkey,” she said. “But Christmas comes just once a year. I’ll make him diet during the summer.”
A collection of Jim Bradshaw’s columns, Cajuns and Other Characters, is now available from Pelican Publishing. You can contact him at jimbradshaw4321@gmail.com or P.O. Box 1121, Washington LA 70589.