Young man debates merits of keeping his virginity

(EDITOR'S NOTE: Due to the closures affecting The Daily Review during threats from Tropical Storm Marco and Hurricane Laura, it was decided to provide the Dear Abby columns that would have been missed by readers.)

Aug. 26
DEAR ABBY: I’m a 28-year-old male who is still a virgin. I always wanted to be intimate with a virgin female for my first time, but I have never met one. I’ve had opportunities for sex but refrained because she wasn’t a virgin. The older I have gotten, the harder it has become to achieve my dream of being someone’s first and sharing this wonderful experience together. I doubt there are any virgin females my age left.
I know I have missed out on an important aspect of life that so many others have had. Should I start dating younger women, or let go of my fairy-tale first-time fantasy and have sex with just anybody, knowing I’ll regret it? Or should I hold out longer and wait for another virgin to come into my life?
FAIRY-TALE DREAM

DEAR FAIRY-TALE DREAM: Consider pushing the pause button on your fantasy until the pandemic is under control, and do nothing that you know you’ll regret. Before going forward, figure out why sex with another virgin is so important to you.
Once you have the answer to that, consider what you have to offer a girl like the one you fantasize about. Many virgins are saving themselves for marriage.
If you are willing to wait until marriage to fulfill your fantasy, you may find what you’re looking for. (Or not.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 55 and recently started dating “Paul,” a 54-year-old man. His 26-year-old daughter, “Andrea,” lives with him. My problem is, she invites herself along on our weekend getaways, small trips, etc. He tells me he knows it’s a problem. Andrea is a college graduate working for her dad’s company, but she has no outside interests, no social skills and she’s afraid to talk to people one-on-one. She also doesn’t care about her appearance.
Paul doesn’t know what to do. His daughter doesn’t want to live with her mom, and he’s trying to get her acclimated to being her own person and independent. I suggested a life coach. He knows he enables her to a certain extent.
Other than this issue, our relationship is wonderful.
Please help.
THREE’S A CROWD IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR THREE’S A CROWD: It should be obvious that Paul’s attempts to help his daughter not only haven’t worked, but may have contributed to her problem. She needs professional help for her severe social anxiety. Start with her physician. Her doctor or insurance company can refer her to someone qualified.
Her father should insist upon this, rather than continue to enable her.

DEAR ABBY: I was cheated on by my ex-husband. Since our divorce, I am interested only in married men. I have been to therapy, but I can’t seem to shake it. I hit on married men because I don’t believe all men are faithful. Is this unhealthy, and what can I do about it?
NOT RIGHT IN THE NORTH

DEAR NOT RIGHT: What you’re doing is definitely unhealthy! You didn’t mention how long ago your divorce happened, but hitting on married men may be your way of ensuring that you won’t become so deeply involved your heart is broken again.
Perhaps you will be less inclined to continue these liaisons if, before starting another one, you take a moment to consider their effect on the wives and children involved.
P.S. And since your first therapist was unable to help you, contact another one.

Aug. 27
DEAR ABBY: My fiancé and I have begun planning our wedding for next year. We have both been married before, so family doesn’t think we should have a “big” celebration. Mom actually told me that it can’t be as special as my first one.
While lying in bed the other night, we were discussing how to address people’s opinions because we don’t want our wedding day to be full of people complaining about being there, choices we made regarding our celebration and thinking they need to give us a gift. We would like to include a “disclaimer” saying something like, “If you’re not truly happy for us, stay home!” I realize that etiquette would not allow us to do it. Do you have any suggestions for our situation?
OUR “BIG DAY”

DEAR “BIG DAY”: Many couples today have been married more than once. Your mother was correct when she told you this second wedding should be more low-key than the first. Rest assured that no one will attend your wedding who doesn’t want to be there because attendance is not compulsory.
I’m glad you recognize that the “disclaimer” would be inappropriate. If you prefer your guests forgo giving you a gift, convey that by having someone else deliver it VERBALLY — such as your mother or members of your wedding party — when guests call to ask where you are registered. The wording should be: “They only want you to share in their happiness on this special day. No gift is expected or required.”

DEAR ABBY: I have been married more than 40 years. We are now retired and moved to a small town a few years ago. My problem is my husband does almost nothing to help out around the house. I do the housekeeping, shopping, cooking, bill paying and most of the extensive outdoor upkeep.
Although I was the primary breadwinner during our marriage, my husband thinks his “work” is now over.
He watches TV all day long, but when he does want to get out and do something, it must always include me. I’m sick of his face at this point. I’m sure I’m short-tempered at times because everything falls on my shoulders. When I ask him to do something or offer my “two cents,” he accuses me of nagging and won’t talk to me for days.
I hate this life! I don’t think he would go to a marriage counselor because he feels I’m the problem. I think I want a divorce, but I don’t want this lazy bum to get half of everything I’ve earned and saved. Help!
IRKED IN IDAHO

DEAR IRKED: You have my sympathy, but you created this “monster” by tolerating your husband’s laziness and controlling nature all these years. Because he won’t talk to a marriage counselor doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t. It’s important you learn coping skills to deal with his passive aggression, which is what the silent treatment is. If a licensed therapist can’t help to relieve the pressure on you, then make an appointment with a lawyer to discuss what options you may have short of divorce.
I’m crossing my fingers that you have some.

Aug. 28
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are trying to have children. He was raised Catholic, but is now agnostic. I’m also agnostic.
My deeply religious father-in-law insists that our future children be baptized Catholic. I’m against it because I think it should be a person’s right to choose which faith, if any, to follow when they are ready. I also think it would be hypocritical to go through a baptismal ceremony, with godparents and vows to raise our child a certain way when we have no intention of doing it.
My husband thinks it would be best to baptize our future children to “keep the peace,” because his father will never forgive us if we don’t. I think it’s our children, our lives, our ethics. Which of us is right?
OUT IN THE OPEN

DEAR OUT: You are, but I don’t envy what’s ahead for you. If you knuckle under to your father-in-law, it won’t stop. You will be expected to follow through with a Catholic upbringing — first communion, Catholic schools, church attendance “for the children” and everything that comes with it.
You and your husband should bite the bullet, be upfront with his dad before you become pregnant and make plain how you plan to raise your children. If you aren’t, raising them in a way you don’t want could put a strain on your marriage. This should be your and your husband’s decision to make and no one else’s, and I don’t recommend deviating from it.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for four years, and all this time we have lived in separate houses. Now my husband is finally moving in with me. While I’m excited and it’s going to be a significant financial benefit for both of us, I’m experiencing mixed emotions and a lot of anxiety about it. He’s an awesome man who treats me great. This is a second marriage for both of us. Any advice would be appreciated.
MAKING THE LEAP IN FLORIDA

DEAR MAKING: Under the circumstances, your feelings are normal. This will be a big change for both of you. This is why it’s important to talk about your feelings and expectations in advance, which might ease your stress. Being able to communicate honestly with each other is extremely important and will serve you well in the future. With this move you are opening up a new chapter in your lives, and I wish you many years of happiness together.

DEAR ABBY: Five years ago, when my wife and I were 35 years old, she agreed to be on a team with me and compete in some “adventure races.” It was great fun. We had team T-shirts, trained together and were excited about our results. It brought us closer and created a real sense of camaraderie, adventure and mutual support into our marriage.
During one race a bull broke into the race grounds and chased us. Shortly thereafter, my wife quit the team and, sadly, many of the ancillary benefits declined as well. She will no longer be on a team with me. What should I do?
BENCHED IN GEORGIA

DEAR BENCHED: Because this is an activity you enjoy, you should keep going. Because your wife has chosen to retire from adventure racing, you should recruit another partner or find some other activity you both could enjoy together. (And that’s no bull.)
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