Man breaks pact yet demands wife stick to it

MONDAY, July 9
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together almost 20 years. When we first started dating, I would have an occasional drink. He said he chewed tobacco, but I never saw him do it. We agreed that I wouldn’t drink and he wouldn’t chew. I found out later that he continued to do it about twice a year. I feel misled.
He doesn’t want me to drink because of some incidents with his family when he was young. I’ve pointed out to him that this is controlling, but he insists it’s not. There are times I would like to have a drink at family celebrations, and I can’t and it’s awkward.
Should I really be held to something I agreed to when I was a young 20-something?
UNDER CONTROL IN NEW MEXICO

DEAR UNDER CONTROL: It may be time to revisit that deal you made with your husband. If he reneged, you are free to do as you wish.
If these “incidents” involved his family, they have nothing to do with yours. And you should not be prevented from enjoying an alcoholic beverage at your family celebrations when you like.

DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, my teenage nephew “Jim” gave my younger son his collection of trading cards. He’d outgrown the game, and my son was just starting to get interested. Before Jim gave them away, my brother (his dad) suggested that some of the cards might be valuable and that Jim should check before giving them away. Instead, Jim decided to hand them all over.
It turns out that part of the collection is quite valuable, and we could sell them for a significant sum. I’m inclined to do that and put the proceeds toward my son’s college fund, which would really help us out. The question is, should I split it and send half to my nephew? Usually a gift is the recipient’s to do with as they’d like, but Jim was just a kid with a kind heart when he made this gift, and he was thinking more about playing the game than about money. He’s out of school now with no debt and is established in a job. What do you think?
ACT OF KINDNESS

DEAR ACT OF KINDNESS: Jim doesn’t need the money from the sale of those cards, but it could make a big difference to your son. Since you asked for my opinion, I would suggest you at least offer a portion of the money to Jim.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is married to a very nice man, but he’s a know-it-all. When we have a conversation, he is always “right” and disregards my point of view.
I know my daughter is upset by it but, of course, she takes his side. I have tried to be close with him, but he cannot take a joke or let anyone have an opinion that differs from his. They have two beautiful children I love watching twice a week. What can I do?
NEVER RIGHT IN THE WEST

DEAR NEVER RIGHT: What you should do is start dwelling on the positive. Thank your lucky stars that the know-it-all is a good husband and father. Accept that you will probably never be closer to him than you are now, and derive your enjoyment from watching your beautiful grandchildren.
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(EDITOR'S NOTE: Due to the Fourth of July holiday, the normal Dear Abby columns were not on the right schedule. Below is the correct one from Friday, July 9.)
DEAR ABBY: I am afraid for my daughter. She has been married less than a year to a very controlling man. He doesn’t ASK her to do anything, he DEMANDS that she do what he wants. She cannot go out to eat or to a movie or anyplace like that unless he is with her. She works a 40-hour-a-week job, and in addition she must do all the work inside the house plus mow the lawn while he plays games on his computer. Don’t you have a list of things to look for to tell someone when it is time to get out while the getting is good?
VERY WORRIED MOTHER

DEAR MOTHER: I certainly do, and you have a right to be worried. It has been a while since I shared this important information about abusive behaviors. Read on:
(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, “I’ve never felt loved like this by anyone.” An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.
(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because “you might meet someone”; checks the mileage on your car.
(3) CONTROLLING: If you are late, interrogates you intensively about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.
(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.
(5) ISOLATION: Tries to isolate you from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of “causing trouble.” The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.
(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It’s always someone else’s fault if something goes wrong.
(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, “You make me angry” instead of “I am angry,” or says, “You’re hurting me by not doing what I tell you.”
(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.
(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partners will also abuse children.
(10) “PLAYFUL” USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.
(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation or waking you with relentless verbal abuse.
(12) RIGID EXPECTATIONS: Demands that you serve, obey and remain at home.
(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.
(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person “made” him (or her) do it.
(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, “I’ll break your neck” or “I’ll kill you,” and then dismisses them with, “Everybody talks that way,” or “I didn’t really mean it.”
Readers, ANYONE at risk of spousal or partner abuse should contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or thehotline.org.