Man’s indecision puts his marriage on shaky ground

July 16
DEAR ABBY: I have been with my husband for 29 years, 25 of them married. We have had good times and bad, like most couples, but over the last four years, things have changed.
We came to a place where we both needed to decide whether we wanted to continue in our marriage. We went to counseling, and I pursued my own personal growth, trying new things I was interested in and finding gratitude and happiness in my interests and career. My husband did the same thing.
Now I have moved past it, forgiven, told my husband I love him and hope he feels the same. You know what he said? He said he doesn’t know. He said he needs more time. Frankly, it has already been a long time, and it’s upsetting to have to wait for him to make up his mind.
If I become frustrated, he says I don’t have to stay and I’m free to do what I want. Trouble is, I want my husband, and I want him to want me back.
What do I do? I take good care of myself and have a healthy sex drive. Sex happens rarely, and I end up being rejected more often than not. He also had an emotional affair with a woman he knows, but he thinks I made too much of it. That was about 18 months ago.
Help, please.
UNCOUPLING IN CANADA

DEAR UNCOUPLING: Going off and being independent may have been the wrong path to take. Your husband appears to have disconnected from you, both physically and emotionally. When he went off and “tried things he was interested in,” among the things he tried may have been the woman with whom he had the affair.
If you continue waiting for your husband to make up his mind, you could be sitting in limbo for years. You take care of yourself, have a healthy sex drive and are entitled to a life. Now may be time to make one for yourself.

DEAR ABBY: For the past year my sister has been involved with a guy she went to high school with. He moved in with her and her 4-year-old son.
Before he moved in, my sister, my mom and I had a pretty decent relationship. Since this boyfriend has come into the picture, our relationship has become strained. He doesn’t work, doesn’t like her son, and she pays for everything (rent, food, car payments, etc.). Whatever he says, logical or not, she does it.
Recently, my nephew’s father reached out to me because she hasn’t let him see their son. When I asked my sister why, she had no reasonable explanation. I don’t know what to do at this point. She won’t even let the family see my nephew now.
What should I do?
MAD IN MARYLAND

DEAR MAD: Your sister’s boyfriend has succeeded in isolating her, and it is a very dangerous red flag.
This is what abusers do, and you should worry not only about her, but also her son, whom the boyfriend doesn’t like. Could they be hiding the child because he has bruises?
As to the father of the boy, if he has been contributing financially for his son, he may, with the help of a lawyer, be able to exert enough influence to get his visitation back. Please suggest it.
For now, all you can do is tell your sister you are concerned for her well-being because she is carrying the whole load. Tell her you are also concerned for the child and that no matter what, you love them both and will be there for them. She needs to hear it. And if necessary, contact child protective services.

July 17
DEAR ABBY: My son-in-law was diagnosed with epilepsy 25 years ago. He typically has two or three seizures a year. He has seen a neurologist on and off over the years, but he has not been to the doctor for his medications in several years. He works in the medical field and gets his meds from the doctors he works with.
He recently had a seizure after dropping one of his children off at an appointment. Fortunately, the child wasn’t in the car when he wrecked it.
My question is, how involved should I be? Should I confront him? Unfortunately, my grandchild reached out to her dad’s mother. Her answer was she would pay for spine alignments for him.
Did I mention he refuses to stop driving?
I’m extremely concerned about the well-being of my daughter and four grandchildren and the lives of others on the roads who could be injured or killed as a result of his actions.
Do I have a right to be involved? My friends and other family members tell me there is nothing I can do.
FRIGHTENED
IN THE SOUTH

DEAR FRIGHTENED: Your son-in-law should not be taking medications for his epilepsy from doctors who are not intimately involved with his care. If the accident didn’t serve as a wakeup call to talk to his doctor, it should have.
Consider contacting your auto insurance company and asking what can be done about an epileptic motorist who is prone to seizures several times a year while still driving. If you can’t find guidance there, the state police where your son-in-law lives might be interested in what you have to say.
Your daughter and her family have been lucky so far not to have been seriously injured, but they may not always be. The only thing you should NOT do is stay silent.

DEAR ABBY: Over the last several years I have learned the value of counseling, which helped me deal with years of undiagnosed depression.
I overcame my preconceived notions about therapy, and I’m happier now than I have ever been because I was able to let go of tons of burdens I carried from my past. It has been a wonderful and life-changing experience.
One of my relatives has mentioned several times that she has a very strained relationship with her mom. I can’t think of a nicer family, so I have never understood what could have caused this rift.
On Mother’s Day, I saw several social media posts from people celebrating their mothers, expressing how much they love them and how much they appreciate all their mothers have done for them.
My relative posted something along the lines of, “My goal in life is to be a better mother than mine was” and some other things that demonstrated her disdain for her mother.
When I saw the post, my heart ached for her mom, but my heart ached for my relative even more. It seems she carries so much hurt in her heart, and I wonder if she could benefit from therapy as I have, but I don’t know how to suggest it. I am afraid of hurting her feelings or getting her upset with me.
How should I approach this?
HELPING OUT IN IDAHO

DEAR HELPING: Approach it by telling your relative you saw her post and were struck by the pain she must be feeling to have put something like that online for all the world to see. Explain about the baggage that therapy helped you to overcome in your own life and what a difference it has made for you.
Then offer her your therapist’s phone number.
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