Fiancée loses sleep over widower’s many mementos

DEAR ABBY: I have recently found out that someone I thought was a good friend is the person who snitched and got my daughter in serious trouble at school. Our daughters attended the same preschool, middle school and high school. Although they were friends, the friendship was more between us moms.
Before middle school graduation, the students had an outing at the beach. Some of the girls, my daughter included, decided to bring vodka and orange juice. A few days later, my daughter was called to the principal’s office where she was thoroughly reprimanded. Any awards she was to receive were rescinded. I learned from one of the teachers that this “friend” is the person who turned her in.
Why didn’t she come to me and tell me? I almost feel like she wanted my daughter to get in trouble. I have run into her a couple of times and have been cold and distant, but I want to confront her. I was going to write and tell her why.
Do you think this is a good idea?
FURIOUS IN FLORIDA

DEAR FURIOUS: I don’t blame you for being upset, but an eighth-grader bringing alcohol to a school celebration is wrong on many levels.
I do NOT advise putting anything in writing. Convey your message and get the answer you want by doing it directly, face to face.

DEAR ABBY: Thirty years ago, I dated a guy I’ll call Allen. We had a child together. Our relationship ended when I found out I was pregnant. He married a woman he chose over me. I later married someone else, whose name is on my child’s birth certificate.
Fast-forward 30 years. We are now back in each other’s lives. I told my son about his biological father, and they are getting to know each other. Allen has children from his marriage, which lasted about 25 years. His wife is now deceased.
Allen’s two other children and his parents and extended family know nothing about our son. He’s afraid to tell them, although it was before they were born and before he was married.
Do you think he should tell everyone?
SECRET KEEPER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SECRET KEEPER: Yes, I do. As you stated, this happened before his marriage to his late wife, and your (and his) son should not be regarded as a shameful secret.
However, I cannot make this decision FOR Allen, and neither should you. If he isn’t strong enough to stand up and stand by his first child, then you should reconsider your relationship with him.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married 50-some years.
While we were discussing sex and the pandemic, she revealed that she could imagine having sex with someone while both of them were masked. I said no, the masks would become superfluous and would go just before the clothes.
Who is right?
HYPOTHETICALLY SPEAKING

DEAR H.S.: Are you serious? Your wife gave you some valuable information that you are ignoring. Where is your sense of humor? Try it.
You might like it and discover the masks stay on until, in the heat of passion, they slip off (or not).

Friday, Dec. 25
DEAR ABBY: In three months, I will be marrying a wonderful man I’ll call Harold. We are in our 60s and widowed, me for more than 30 years and him just under two years.
At first, I thought he had worked through his grief because his wife suffered from early-onset Alzheimer’s and the last six years of their marriage she was very ill. We are not living in the home they shared, but a lot of their life together is in the home we are trying to create together.
Harold is a good man. I know he has a big heart with plenty of room for me as well as love for his late wife. My dilemma is the amount of memorabilia he has here — pictures of vacations they took together, their unusual wedding cake, a piece of furniture she made for them and a painting of the home they shared. Many of the items are in a downstairs office, where he spends a lot of time.
The closer we get to our wedding, the more I find myself losing sleep worrying over whether the strong reminders of his former life are an indicator of whether he truly is ready to move on.
Am I being overly sensitive? I do understand loss and working through grief. In no way do I want to pressure him if he isn’t ready to move forward. I am just conflicted.
LOSING SLEEP IN NEW YORK

DEAR LOSING SLEEP: Harold’s loss is much more recent than yours. With time, he may decide to retire some of his memorabilia. Keep in mind, your “rival” is no longer on this side of the sod, and letting it keep you up at night is unproductive. If this doesn’t resolve itself, have a frank conversation with Harold about the fact you are not comfortable with the amount of memorabilia in the house.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful, low-key, easygoing man for two years. “Stan” is crazy about me. To him, I’m a princess, and he treats me like gold. The downside is he lives an hour and 20 minutes away because he got laid off and had to move back home. We used to live near each other, which was great. He is now taking care of his parents, who are 81 and 84.
The long-distance relationship is making me very stressed because I see him only twice a month on weekends. Because his mom is so sick, I’m starting to see him even less often. He plans to stay with them to the end and promises we will be together one day. I rarely go to his parents’ house because his mom can no longer enjoy company.
Abby, is this all worth it? He keeps telling me he loves me and says he will propose down the road. I’m 58. Should I keep this sweet, loving, long-distance romance or move on, which would devastate him?
MISSING HIM IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR MISSING HIM: Although you wrote that you miss Stan, I am struck by the fact that nowhere in your letter did you say you actually love him. Would ending the relationship also devastate YOU? Have you considered relocating to be closer to him? Many couples survive being separated for long periods of time, but if you can’t sustain it, then perhaps you should move on, knowing that men like him are not easily replaced.

TO MY READERS: I wish you all a Christmas that is joyous and meaningful. Merry Christmas, everyone!
LOVE, ABBY
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What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in “What Every Teen Should Know.” Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447.